It is very easy to get a girl but it takes a long time to marry her.
In the beginning you give her your phone contact and Facebook account. You don’t talk much on the phone because airtime is expensive. You might use Facebook Zero (free Facebook messaging on your phone) to chat with her but your goal is to convince her to see you.
If you don’t have a phone, you will have to of target meeting her at church services and on market days. If she likes you, she will tell you when she goes to cut banana trees in the family plantation and you can wait for her there.
If parents know that you are talking to her, they will worry that you want to take her out for clubbing or take advantage of her, so you have to avoid being seen. Other people noticing you together might believe that you are wasting her time, especially if you are a poor boy, so you again have to hide. If you are rich you don’t need to hide.
If she is below 18 years you discuss things with her. If she is above that age, she will allow you to give her money to buy clothes that will identify her as a newcomer to the husbands’ family after the wedding. She is supposed to buy two kitengye fabrics, one to tie on her head, one to tie as a skirt.
During marriage negotiations, her father receives a great deal of advice from his brothers; he might ask for two cows but his brothers will insist on asking for three. For an average girl you would pay money (like USh 1,500,000 = $450), goats (3-6) and cattle (1-4). If she comes from a rich family, they will charge you a lot of money. If she is poor, she will cost you less.
If parents request two cows but you give them one and only 500,000, they will give you their girl but will not appreciate. They will say: “We are giving you this girl but she is not a real woman. We need her to come back and organise community members for a real party once you clear your debt.”
Before the girl goes away from her father’s home, she would traditionally say something in terms of: “Goodbye Father, Mother, brothers, sisters and relatives… I’m going to be alone, my husband will beat me and I will have no friends.” These days she just stays quiet. She expects her husband to love her only for a short period of time before he finds other girls to have sex with. The wife’s mother will tell her not to cry loud or too long for everybody to laugh at her.
In the evening she informs her friends to escort her to the husband’s family. After reaching there, they get welcomed with songs and dances while elders are busy eating and drinking local beer. They are taken to one of the rooms from 8pm to 2am, eating and drinking, introducing her to parents and other community members.
At 2am the husband will collect her and take her to his house. When the couple reach the bed, the girl would traditionally have to behave as if she never played sex before. She would resist her husband and he needs to fight for it.
In the morning an old lady from the wife’s escort comes to give her instructions on how to take care of her husband, including sexual advice. Traditionally, she would also grease her body with butter for the husband to feel the softness of her skin but that is rare today.
The husband will give her family and friends some money and other gifts before they go, to thank them for leaving their sister with him. The sister of the husband then enters to dress the bride and give her some food. Her in-laws will try treating her well, with great care, making her feel at home but she remains reserved, thinking of the people she left behind.
Her husband sleeps with her again that night and the couple does no work at all, they just stay in the same room for four days, enjoying sex. Afterwards the wife is allowed to start cooking and cleaning the house and the wider compound.
A month later the family of the bride sends some children to pay a visit to their daughter. When they return home, both families starts preparing for the big ceremony known as “Finishing the Butter” that happens at the girl’s family’s house. This is where the whole community give gifts to the married couple, for example plastic plates, goats, plots of land and many others. After the ceremony, the wife is free to leave the compound, go to the field and socialise.
Unlike in foreign countries, divorce is not common among the Bakiga. If the woman and the man quarrel, elders come in to settle disputes. If that proves impossible, the wife returns to her father’s home. The husband will follow her in an attempt to negotiate and start afresh.
If the husband finds other girls to marry, he will do it in a different house as long as the first wife already has children (because the house belongs to them). If she has not managed to give birth, they will divide their property and she will stay alone.
text: Davis Byamukama